Away From Her

The leaves of memory seemed to make a mournful rustling in the dark. ~~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The forgetting started a couple of years ago. Names, mostly, then words--common ones--and people I know I know but can't remember how or why. They shake my hand and I smile, finding new ways to acknowledge them without letting on that our familiarity's denominator has somehow taken leave. I wonder if they're onto me, if they see the narrowing of my eyes as I scurry backward into myself, ransacking gnarled limbs of memory, searching for their names?

I now wake each morning with two questions on my lips What day is it? Where do I have to be and when? This is because worry carries itself forward from recent clashes with time and place, the fallout of memory's lack. Like the look on my face when a client arrives and I'm not expecting them because I recorded the wrong date in my planner or worse, correctly recorded it but incorrectly looked at the wrong week when I started my day.

Last night I watched, "Away From Her," a film about a man coping with the institutionalization of his wife, who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. Bridgette Bardot Julie Christie plays the patient, Fiona. See there? You see how it is, how twelve hours can flatten a name, turn it on its side, so all you recognize is the era from which it descended? That's what I'm talking about. That constant chipping of formerly sharp edges. I'm only 48. How can I be losing my memory so soon?

The movie was poignant and satisfying despite the dark topic. The characters were real, flawed people struggling to hold onto love while wishing they could forget the obstacles to that love. The wife can't remember a book her partner has read to her, but she remembers his youthful infidelities. The husband reminisces his young bride's "sweetness and irony" while in denial of her need to enter a care facility. Memory, it seems, is dampened by imagination and wishes.

When the movie ended, I immediately googled Alzheimer's and the ugly symptoms of the disease. I was relieved to discover I'm not senile, just suffering from yet another delightful side effect of menopause: forgetfulness. According to recent studies, it's not a memory issue so much as it's a problem storing (or failure to learn) new information. I want to believe the article, but some of the information I've lost isn't all that new. However, as the article points out, I am pulled in a lot more directions with a lot less capability of following them all than I was in my 20's and 30's so I can imagine my brain is a bit overloaded. Add to that the combined effect of all the other symptoms of menopause and it's no wonder my brain feels fuzzy. I have, in effect, what my friend, Sue Richards, calls "The Stupids".

It's pretty clear what needs to happen in order to make it easier for my brain to record and store information. Attending classes at our local college, for one. Getting better sleep, eating healthy foods, walking, and eliminating stress will undoubtedly help not just my brain, but my whole body function better. As I look over this list, I recognize the biggest culprit: exercise (or lack of it). So with you as my silent witness, I'm making a covenant with myself (and my dogs) to get back into a walking routine. Starting tomorrow today, we'll lace up those dusty sneakers and hit the pavement for at least 30 minutes of brisk walking. If I'm not back by sunset, somebody send a search team. I've either lost my way or, perhaps, found it again.

Comments

[Boyd]

Ellie, dearest, I applaud your rededication to exercise. Do all the things you need to take excellent care of yourself, OK? The world has only one of you and we all want you here with your wits about you for a very long time,
Hugs,
B

[Connie]

I need to exercise also and I know that my dog, Murphy would love it. Now I'm getting inspired by your declaration.

[Fran aka Redondowriter]

Way to go, Ellie. I know for myself, and I am 22 years older than you, that part of my own forgetfulness (which I call CRS) happens most when I am multi-tasking, anxious and not centered. A lot of times, if I breathe deeply into the forgetfulness, the word or name or task I've forgotten when I've walked all the way across campus for something important, memory returns--sometimes.

I remember how intolerant I was with my own parents forgetfulness and I feel sad that I wasn't more loving. I made them feel like old fossils.

Here's to remembering better, but--I've got news, dear ones, aging (not just menopause) does give us some challenges.

Because I work in PR where meeting and mingling plays such an important role, I hate it when I can't remember who I'm talking to.

[Kimm]

Ellie,
At first my own (menopause driven - I THINK) forgetfulness was a bit unnerving. However, given a zen spin - it's actually quite delightful. It just is. And to be quite honest, it's a bit of a nice break after all of those years of HAVING to remember EVERYTHING! I like to think of it as a reward for all of the stuff that I STUFFED into my brain. Now, recalling exactly what comes is great. A bit fun, actually to play the "I'm thinking of a word - can you tell me what it is?" game when having a conversation. The best entertainment around with a pack of 40+ women and a bucket of margaritas! Cheers!

[Mrs. G.]

Wonderful post. I am not a doctor, but I think you are suffering from a little something known as "Momnesia"--it begins the moment you conceive a child and ends, sadly, when you, well...you know, check out. Get some ginko, girl.

[Virushead]

I went through the same thing when I was looking for string at the store and couldn't ask for it. I'd forgotten what it was called.

You should have seen the clerk's face as I went through the whole list: not rope, not twine, not yarn, not thread...

[Jared]

I'm not near "middle age" or female, but I write this out of the desire to encourage, and, though young, I think I can offer something.

We seem to face many more and greater stresses these days than in times past. I wouldn't minimize those. I don't think women hitting menopause in the 50's or even 80's felt the same stresses related to memory loss or cognitive function that women coming upon it do today. We live in such a media driven, busy/bombarding culture today that didn't exist, even just ten years ago. I see this in my own mom who will turn 50 on her next birthday. Neither of my grandmothers mentioned having so much stress or memory loss (though they did joke about it a little) when they hit middle age.

You're probably more sound than you give yourself credit for.

As Jimmy V said in his famous speech, "Don't give up, don't ever give up. That's what I'm going to try to do every minute that I have left."

[Stacie]

I was at a Gallery opening last Friday night and called someone by the wrong name...seems to be happening quite a bit here lately. I love the post that you wrote about this forgetting...beautiful way to describe it.