Second Time Around

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." Albert Einstein.

The other day on our way to classes, I asked J to read a short essay I'd done on The Truman Show for my eng comp class because he had the same prof last semester and I figured he knew what the instructor was looking for. J read through the two pages then threw it on the dashboard with a snarky "overachiever!" under his breath. It was meant as an insult but having been an under-achiever throughout high school and a history of people in my past who accused me of being "intellectually lazy" J  had no idea how well his intended slur was received.

In the past, I'd have turned in papers that were "good enough" but not great. Last semester I really struggled with my history and political science courses and it would have been a lot easier to spend less time studying and just accept a B. But this time it's different. I want to learn these things. I want to challenge myself, feel my achy brain cells pushing themselves to absorb input.

One of the biggest challenges at this time in my life is to recognize my limits. The 4.0 last term was a great shot of confidence, but I need to transcend old tapes that remind me of my ambitious limits while forgiving myself if I don't excel in every realm of the required curriculum. I'm only taking one course this semester because I can foresee the homework load in a 4-credit research class. No matter how much effort I put into the work, it still boils down to a matter of good enough, but the bar for enough is measured by me rather than some outside force.

I have never been a perfectionist. I'm more of a  "good enough" type person. This is evident in all the almost-finished projects around the house like the towel bar I replaced, but haven't yet filled the old holes and painted over. Or the cute little opening I had cut into my bedroom door for the cats to come and go but haven't yet finished framing. Or the bike shed that's 3/4 built while the bicycles sit in the rain. And the dog door I still haven't caulked.  And on and on ad nauseum.

Time, like energy, has it's limits as well. Like how I really meant this post to be more profound after all these weeks time since the last, but I have to go give a massage and an elderly client needs a ride to visit her husband in the hospital and my oil needs changing (3000 miles ago) so I guess this is just going to have to be good enough.

Photo: This is the group of students in my history class last semester who I laughed and studied with, and who made me forget I'm not 20 years old with my whole life ahead of me.

Comments

[Tina]

I wonder if the magnolia trees in my neighborhood ride through the winter doldrums with apathetic verses of, "Oh here comes another cold ass winter. Shit, I missed the deadline to drop my leaves. Ce la vie, but I'm going to have a magnificant show this spring." I imagine we all rise up for what we care about. Like the explosion of over achievement in the final opening of a magnolia's bloom, we too are meant to show off. Go girl! Love your words, T.

[Kimberly]

My biggest stress in graduate school was worrying about getting A's so I'm right there with you. On the one hand, I was there for me and my GPA really didn't matter, on the other hand, I had. to get. A's. And it still wasn't really good enough for me--I had a hard time avoiding all the things I "should" have been doing. I really wish I could have let it go and just enjoyed the ride.