Watsu Matter With Me?

A few weeks ago I signed up for a Watsu massage from a woman referred to me by my friend and fellow member of Massage Sluts Anonymous, M. She thought I'd love the waterwork but I found it difficult to surrender to the process given my drowning issues. What I did love was photographing the practitioner as she worked with a young woman who's recovering from nerve damage after doctors accidentally knocked her leg out of the stirrup during hip surgery. Watching her was like attending a birth, the way she completely gave into each finite movement in the dance between her body and the body of water that cradled her.

Have you ever felt as though you were swimming against the current, trying unsuccessfully to best a hidden riptide as it pulled you further out to sea?  As though you've completely forgotten everything you'd learned about swimming parallel to the shore until you're out of danger rather than use up every last bit of energy on a futile battle with the forces of nature? The last few weeks have left me keening like a boat with a torn sail. Today it was all I could do just to get out of bed and feed the animals, let alone myself. I don't know if the fatigue stems from emotional backwash caused by recent  transitions or it's a physical manifestation of my tendency to overdo/give when I know damn well I'm running on an empty tank, but I haven't been this tired since I had mono in the tenth grade.

I continue to push myself through necessary tasks but it's like trying to hurry honey off the spoon. Perhaps I need to revisit that pool, take a lesson in the art of flow instead of dog-paddling my way through yet another day of Things To Do. At the very least, I might benefit from sitting in a chair under an umbrella with a view of nothing but my eyelids.

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Comments

[Jim Brodhead]

Nice to see your post this morning but sorry to hear about the transitions that have created the stress. That kind of stuff really demands a paradigm shift, does it not?

[Tina]

Beautiful! Just beautiful. I love the way you express yourself, always keepin it real. As in all things 'This Too Shall Pass.' Honey you do not need to go back to school. Trust me, I'm a school junkie, been in it most my life. You already have everything you need. Just go girl. T.

[Dawn Goldberg]

Thanks for sharing your very personal story. I, too, can really struggle with transition and that whole "pushing way too hard when I know I don't have any reserves left." I'm working on that and trying to learn to be gentle with myself (might be good words for you, too!).

I had a massage a few weeks ago, and my massage therapist told me, "The body never lies." I've really tried to take those words to heart and not push myself too hard.

Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

[ellie]

Jim: You're spot on about the paradigm shift. Thanks for the reminder

Tina: I'm going to school so I don't get stale, not to prove anything, but if it gets to be too much I have no problem giving up classes for the benefit of my health. We start on the 21st. Only time and totality will tell.

[ellie]

Dawn your MT is correct. As a 13-year practiioner, I should know better. Sometimes it takes a mirror to get the point across. Thanks for the reflection.

[sephillips]

Learn fom the kittens, find a nice warm spot and curl up. Whatever there is to do will still be there when you awake but you will be different and therefore see it differently.
S

[ellie]

Meow. Now if only someone would scratch behind my ears.

[Janeen]

Oh sweetie, I hope you will get some rest. Lotsa good vibes headed your way. xo

[ellie]

Thanks, 'neen. Me too!

[Fran aka Redondowriter]

Hope you are beginning to perk up some, Ellie. You are in a time of big transitions. Thinking of you.

[Kate]

Elle,

Sorry to hear your energy level is down but glad to hear you're getting together with some galpals real soon. That will be just the ticket to pick you up again.

There is something about noticing all that is undone and "needs" to be done that puts such pressure on us to get through the moment we're in, rather than accepting things the way they are and actually enjoying the present. It DOES make us tired, without even doing anything! I think I have felt much the same way you do.

Not enough time, not enough energy ... so on, so forth. I experienced this so clearly one day as I stood at the kitchen window, washing dishes. As I looked out at the green poplars, listened to the birdsong, and passed my hands through the soapy water, I was perfectly content. Until I remembered something else I wanted to get done that day, and began to resent that I had to stand there and finish the dishes. Talk about ruining a perfectly happy time! And I do this to myself often. It's foolish, but there you go.

I have not had time to participate in your journalling workshop at all, or even to read other people's exercises. I am not guilting myself out about it, but want to let you know it has nothing to do with the quality of the exercises or anything like that.

And I'll ask you again ... because if you answered last time, I missed it ... what has happened to the book you started, you know, the one you posted the first part of at one time and a publisher had shown an interest in? Have you advanced with it? It caught my attention; I'd like to read it if you've worked more on it.

Sorry also to hear that S is moving out ... although I have to add that as much as I love men, I often think I'd love them more if they lived in another house.

Enough for now. Back to the dishes!

Kate

[ellie]

Kate these words couldn't have been more perfect in redirecting my focus on the present moment where I'm sitting on my daybed in the little massage studio under a foggy morning, soaking up the leftover fragments of a warm embrace. Thank you, my friend. ~~ellie

PS: The book is on hold--long story that I'd rather not go into right now but thanks so much for your encouragement.

[ellie]

Thanks, Fran. Time is a healer, yes? Mostly I just need a long rest. I'm thinking Mexico, a beach, a hammock with my name on it...