Old School

UPDATE: I finally told him and he took the news with more grace than I did--moved through all the stages of grief in one evening while I was still stuck on denial and barganing after four days. Thanks so much for all your compassion and support. 

The good news is that Midland has agreed to keep him enrolled "on paper" while he takes classes at community college next fall so he can do his last year of high school and first year of college simultaneously. Should be a no brainer. Unfortunately, it's the heart, not the head, that took the biggest hit in all this.

That's J practicing the zen of blowing bubbles in the back yard this afternoon. I could learn a lot from this kid.

So while Midland doesn't offer all the luxuries and flashing lights that other schools do, we do offer a school program that is demanding, authentic, and profound in its simplicity and commitment to its students. From "Why Midland?"  

It started with a ring, then another as I stood next to my van at the beach considering whether to answer. Without looking at the number, I flipped open the phone and said hello.

"This is P. I'm sorry. I have bad news."

"No," I said, knowing how anxiously we'd waited for good news.

"J's not being invited back to Midland for his senior year."

My heart cracked, leaving a ragged fault line along its center. " Why would they do that?"

"I'm sorry. I advocated for him, but a vote was taken. Your son lost."

This is J standing if front of his cabin on his first day at Midland, his freshman year, a day that seems ions ago. Ever since he first set foot on campus, he's dreamed of seeing his name inscribed on the chapel hall alongside the others who've graduated from the school over the past seven decades. The last three years have been an up-and-down struggle, but no matter how many times he screws up or how many laps they throw at him, he's remained committed to the Midland Way. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or screw around with underclassmen and he's been more than willing to live without the Ipods, heaters, and other modern conveniences many students can't forego.

I know it's not been easy for them or him. J is disorganized and impulsive, a classic case of ADhD.  But he's also brilliant, writes stunning poetry, has become a confidant among his peers, and is the kind of kid who'd pack a tuxedo to hike Grass Mountain, just to make his friends and teachers smile when he breaks the peak. Or paint his whole body green and jump up and down at the sidelines as a self-appointed Midland-Man for a cheerleader-less team. Or sing his heart out as the lead in Grease! and thrill audiences with spot-on renditions of a French Maitre' D and a Middle Eastern Interpreter. Or wear silly nose and reindeer ears during a surprise birthday party for him one evening in December.

"No," I finally answered. "Midland lost."

"I'm sorry," he said again.

How is it that in one moment you can feel on top of the world as you absorb the massive panorama of ocean and sky in front of you and in the very next, the world suddenly turns on itself, crushing your chest until it's all you can do to pull in a single breath?  Fighting against a wall of inertia, I hefted my heavy heap of grief onto my back and climbed the stairs toward my massage studio, hunched over like the man in Diego Rivera's painting. I hoped no one would notice that the flowers were dead and my eyes were holding back a flood.

I made it through the massage; drove home in a daze wondering how I'd ever find the right words to tell J about the phone call. When he asked for a ride to the store for sunflower seeds and soda after dinner, I stuck my feet in slippers figuring I'd somehow break the news on our way back home. Sitting in the car while he ran inside Albertsons, I thought about his story of  two butterflies accompanying him on his way to Midland's graduation ceremonies last Saturday, how sure he was their presence was an omen. A good one.

When he got back in the car, I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was, "Your hair is getting really long."

"Yeah. I'm not cutting it until after I graduate from Midland next Spring."

Oof. That foot in my stomach again. Maybe I'll tell him tomorrow.

Maybe not.

Technorati Tags: aging, perimenopause, menopause, relationships, parenting, mothers, midland school, childhood, essay, blog, boarding school, high school, writing, writers, disappointment, prose, women, massage,

Comments

[Sue Richards]

It's hard to understand what lies at the base of a decision like this. Short sightedness would be my guess. Let's hope that passing time reveals a silver lining for your son.

Best,

Sue

[Jennifer]

Oh, god...how awful. And you're right - it's cruel. Nobody told me this parenting deal was going to be so hard. Not that it would have changed anything, but at least I might have been a little better prepared.

It's never going to get easier, either, is it?

[Loretta]

I'm sorry, but it CAN'T be as fine a school as you say if they would nurture a kid through three years and throw him out on his senior year. I could see if he had flunked out, or gotten arrested, or suspended for doing drugs, stealing, harassing someone, or some other crime or academic violation. I just don't understand how they could do this to a kid in his LAST year. El, my heart breaks for you because I know my heart would be breaking for my kid. Is there any board of review or appeal? Any friends in high places in the school?

Absolutely sucks.

[Jim Brodhead]

You are right...that school will be poorer for the lack of his spirit. If they will not look any deeper than they have, they do not deserve the gifts he brings with him.

He will have his triumphs and then he will accept that he is more, much more than they thought.

Yet there is no hurt as great as the hurt we feel for our children's disappointments. I know you will hold him as close as you can.

[Sherri]

Oh man. I've only been reading for a short time, but this broke my heart.

Have these people heard of the internet? Can we deluge them with emails? (It's saved B-grade TV shows...)

Perhaps he wouldn't want to be there if he knew -- but perhaps not?

[papyrus]

This really is hard. I just hope you find the right time to tell him and you can help him burden the disappointment.

[Hilly]

i am so sorry to hear about J -- that has to be dissapointing.

[Kimm]

Ellie,
I'm sorry for this temporary disappointment. Things always happen for a reason and there just must be something better out there for J to experience. The trick will be for him to keep his eyes, ears and heart open for it so that he can recognize it when it shows itself :)

[Jim Brodhead]

Maybe another way of looking at it is that it’s not that great a place at it’s core if it will toss away an opportunity to make a big difference in a young man’s life…and for what; to make room for someone else?

We never find precious stones already cut and polished. It’s our job to do that…to take them in our hands and do all we can to help them transform themselves into the jewel they were meant to be. A school that throws them back on the ground before they have done all they can do is a sad school indeed.

[ellie]

Oh my gosh, for some reason Typepad never emailed me these 9 comments waiting for moderation (approval) so I had no idea they were there. I was starting to get a little paranoid about the dead silence. Thank you all so much for you support and condolences. I still haven't told him. I'm waiting for the "official" letter from the school. That, and maybe I've been partially delusional, thinking this is all a big mistake and any moment the phone's going to ring and they'll say, whoops, our mistake.

Well, yeah. It is.

You all are the best.

ellie

[ellie]

I spoke with his counselor today. He said people at the school just don't understand adhd and the lack of impulse control, and that had we had him on the right meds in the right form, he thinks J would still be there.

Loretta: I doubt they'd consider an appeal and even if they changed their minds, I can't imagine it would be healthy for him having the staff just waiting for him to screw up so they could say I told you so. Most people would rather be right than see progress.

[Jim Brodhead]

ADHD being a recognized medical issue, perhaps there is even a violation of the ADA here. I think someone ought to look into that and see if this school has broken the law.

[janitorinadrum]

Sis,
It's their loss! I wish I were closer, geographically, so I could have a "discussion" with them. Tell J I said he was too cool for small minds! (Big Hug)

[Molly]

Oh, how awful! How could they just reject a kid like that after 3 years? Still, a door never closes that another one opens. I will trust that this turns out to be an unforseen opportunity for you and for J.

[Rain]

That is one of the cruelest things I have heard. School years are so tough at best and when the adults make it worse, it just breaks my heart to hear it. The important thing for him is to see that this is not his failure but that of the system that wants everyone to fit into the same size holes. It's why so many kids end up drugged by the system during those years. Most of those drugs from things like adhd are for the system's benefit, not the children's :(

[ellie]

Thank you Rain. I added an update last night. He'll be ok. We both will. Just another bump on the log of life.

~~ellie

[Janeen]

Oh Ellie, I'm late to this whole episode, so there's not much left to say. I'm sorry this happened. I know you guys will be OK, but I also know how much harder it is to take your child's heartaches than your own. It's too bad the school is so short sighted, but perhaps this can open up opportunities for J. that he might not have had otherwise. Hugs for you both.

[ellie]

It was a long shot, but I emailed Jacob's advisor at Midland and asked if they'd consider letting him stay enrolled "on paper" while releasing him to attend Cuesta Community College for his last year. He and another teacher who was in favor of J staying ran with my request and got us a nod from the new headmaster, so it looks like J will "graduate" from Midland although he won't be able to participate in the ceremonies. I still think a diploma is better (for him) in the long run than a GED because now he'll have the choice to attend a 4-year college or continue at community college before transferring.

He'll be taking courses that articulate with a communications major at CSU's or UC's. When I asked why he chose communications instead of film/theatre he said he'd rather have job promise than devote 4 years of his life only to end up on the street. I think he'd be a great actor, but he's less of a risk taker than I am. That's probably a good thing.

[ericka harris]

El, I was sooo happy to see you today, & couldn't wait to get home to check out your blog. I was so enthralled with your creative writings that my head was spinning with joy. Then I got caught up on the story of J, & my heart sunk. How do you explain heartache to your son? I truly believe there are no accidents, & it would not even come close to an adequate explanation for J, but I think he's meant to be elsewhere, for another purpose. I will keep good thoughts for you both, & hope this "episode" quickly passes, & is replaced by a different happiness.You both are exceptional people. xoxoxo

[ellie]

Ericka! It was an honor to have you back on my table today. Thank you for checking the blog, and for your lovely comments. I do believe in the higher purpose you wrote about and despite J's disappointment, I can't wait to see what unfolds for him on this new adventure.

Hope your body feels a bit soothed after your treatment. I look forward to seeing you again.

xoxo,

eldonna