Anything for Love

The only reward for love is the experience of loving. -- John LeCarre

Karl over at Secondhand Tryptophan recently chronicled in his blog the numerous and often outrageous things he's done in the name of romantic love. In a blatant attempt at one-upmanship, I declared myself the winner (not that he'd advertised any contest) having once administered an enema to my constipated 80 year-old MIL who accompanied us on a vacation to California. Talk about bonding.

It's true that on some level I offered my personal and extremely intimate attendant services on behalf of my wasband whom I loved deeply and for whom I'd have done most anything (including showing up at the airport to pick him up after a couple weeks out of the country wearing a leather mini skirt and thigh-high stiletto boots), however, looking back I now understand my actions weren't so much out of love for my ex as they were out of compassion for another human being. In fact, the more I think about the mental list I ticked off as I read Karl's  post, the more I realize that these things we do for our loved ones aren't necessarily for them so much as for ourselves. It feels good to do good deeds, surprise our lovers, or put a smile on someones face and we like to feel good. Sure, some of our actions may be genuinely altruistic yet at our core, we all want to be loved and will do most anything to get (or retain) that love, even to the point of codependence.

I believe the one exception to these acts of enlightened self-interest is the love of a parent for his or her child. Last year I sold my beloved 12-string guitar in order for my son to continue at a private school rather than be called a fag a dozen times a day in public school. I didn't do it in order to prove my love for the sake of martyrdom, in fact, I didn't even tell him I'd sold it.  I did it because it was simply the right thing to do, just like the many sacrifices my parents made in order to feed and clothe seven children--sacrifices I wouldn't fully appreciate until well into adulthood.

My two oldest children are now grown and married, and my youngest has only a year to go before he graduates from high school. As I move closer to 50, I'm becoming more aware than ever how much energy I've invested in doing for others, whether they've been children, lovers, clients, or friends. Tonight I'm wondering how to gather all that love and turn it inward, do something crazy for myself one of these days, maybe hire someone to stand on the table and sing me a love song. Or better yet, head for the airport to take a vacation out of the country instead of picking up someone else.

I just hope I don't get constipated on the trip.

Technorati Tags: aging, perimenopause, menopause, love,  relationships, body image, dieting, weight gain, essay, blog, self image, baby boomers, writing, writers, poetry, prose, women, parenting, acts of love

Comments

[Karl]

Yikes...is that you in the boots? Give me a day or two. I'll serenade you, no problem.

You're right. It really has a lot to do about pleasing ourselves whenever we give to our loved ones.I enjoy giving to those special someones in my life. Makes me feel good, perhaps better than how it makes them feel. I guess I just feel fortunate whenever I have a woman in my life. The special things never feel like chores. They're actually enjoyable.

As you say, though, I need to do such things for myself. That's the true rarity.

[Helene]

Very inspirational post. I needed this today. Thank you.

[ellie]

No, Karl, those aren't my legs--I'm still looking for the photograph. And I do hope you're learning to treat yourself as well as you do the women in your post.

Waving hello to Helene. Always great to see new readers. Thanks for topping by!

ellie

[Fran aka Redondowriter]

And here's an old reader, Ellie. I like your new look at the blog--and I can easily see you in these thigh high boots and mini. The good old days, right?

You mention your son being a senior--and so is my grandson. Time sure does have a way of creeping up. I'll serenade you with a thank you anytime you want.