A Kneaded Touch

My name is Ellie and I am a massage whore. 

1. I admit I am powerless over my addiction to therapeutic touch  and my inner skin slut has become unmanageable. 

2. I have come to believe that a power greater than myself could possibly, maybe, restore my life to sanity. It's called a Bio Pulser 3000 and, thanks to one of my favorite massage therapists, LS, I have felt the twelve-pulse-per-second kisses of God from my tensor fascia lata to my sternocleidomastoid. Blessed Be.

3. I have turned my life over to my Higher Power (see number two, above) which, as I understand it, comes with a money-back guarantee. I do not promise, however, to exchange the exquisite bliss of human touch completely for a machine. I mean, come on.

4. I have made a fearless and searching inventory of myself, especially my feet, which apparently have the most nerve endings.

5. I have admitted the exact nature of my wrongs, which is to say, I have been massaging around for years in search of "perfect" hands. 

6. I am entirely willing to have the defects in my neck and shoulder muscles removed, thereby alleviating my dependence on the hands of various men and women who promise me an hour of blissful escape from pain and stiffness associated with laptopping in bed.

7. I humbly ask my Greater Power to remove my shortcomings, such as putting my feet in strangers' laps and claiming it was an accident.

8. I have made a list of all people I have harmed and am willing to make amends, or in lieu of that, offer a massage trade.

9. I have made amends with anyone named in Number Eight, except for the "therapist' who burned my back with hot stones because I think we're even for my comment about his incompetence, given the crop circles he left along my spine.

10. I continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when I fuck up, like telling that woman who wanted me to focus on "negative energy" while she held her thumbs on my forehead that I'd rather not. When she insisted, I focused on my negativity toward her for attempting to "release" past hurts instead of the ones in my shoulder, which is what I asked for. I think she was disappointed when I didn't cry, but shit,  I thought I did pretty good not laughing. Not out loud, anyway.

11. I seek to improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power, hereafter called BP3000,  and submit to its will and the power to carry it out.  in fact, I will buy LS an extension cord in order to assure that contact.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I will carry the message of BP3000 to other massage whores, skin sluts, and epidermic addicts, while practicing the above principles in all my affairs.

Boy do I feel better. In fact, I think I'll reward myself with a massage.

Comments

[Soulless]

I laughed out loud! Thank you for that post! I needed that!

[em]

hello, my name is em, and, um, i'm a skin slut.