Wankers Away

An open letter to all the hornbags who think I spent 500 hours (plus labs) learning anatomy/physiology/applied modalities, studied my ass off to pass the National Certification exam, invested thousands of dollars in equipment, supplies, and continuing education, and dedicated over a decade to teaching/practicing massage therapy, just so I could perfect my handjob technique.

Dear Whispering Wireless Caller(s):

Please note the heading under which my professional advertisement is printed (Massage Therapy) which includes the subheading, "non-sexual therapeutic massage by licensed practitioners only" and for which I paid a pretty penny per precious word in order to solicit new clients. Before you dial my number and ask if I "accept tips," give a "complete" full body massage, or godhelpme be so bold as the nutjar requesting prostate massage**, consider this: How would you like it if some asshat called your wife/mother/sister/daughter at her place of employment as, say, a physical therapist/hair stylist/nurse and asked if he could pay her a little extra to jerk him off? After all, her job involves touching people so that must automatically mean she's more than willing to grease his crank for a few extra bucks, right?

I didn't think so.

Just so you know, I happen to love sex, love men, and have a healthy relationship with my body and my sexuality. However, I'd like to do my job without having the two overlap, is that too much to ask? So here's a tip from me: Next time you're looking for someone to rub your viagra-enhanced lamp, take your hands out of your pants and let your fingers wander over to the "Adult" section where you’re more likely to find people who’ll gladly accept your filthy lucre* in exchange for playing with your peepee, sucking your toes, whatever. 

Better yet. Get a fucking girlfriend.

Signed,

I Don't Knead You

PS: To those of you offering "bodyrubs" disguised as therapeutic massage, I can sympathize with how hard it is to make a living these days, but you're hurting those of us who have worked really hard to raise the bar on professionalism and ethics in the therapeutic massage and clinical bodywork arena. Do us both a favor and move your ad over to the other section. If you're going to offer these services, fine, but call it what it is. If you don't pretend to be a massage therapist I won't pretend to know how it feels to put a price on your soul.

 

*I've wanted to use 'filthy lucre"  ever since I heard my dad say it in a sermon about the "bad people in Hollywood" when I was a little girl. I'm still not sure what it means and it's a lot better coming from a Baptist preacher spewing hellfire and damnation, but I love the sound of it.

**Due to the amount of email I've received from angry men chastising me for my ignorance of prostate massage, I want to add that was married to a man with chronic prostatitis and I'm aware that some doctors believe PM can be an effective method for treating this condition. Massage Therapists, however, are not licensed (or trained) to perform clinical prostate massage. Your urologist can counsel you and/or your partner on how to perform prostate massage should you want to experiment with this alternative treatment.  Massaging the prostate gland can also enhance sexual pleasure--the reason my "gentleman caller" requested it, as he answered no when asked if he had a prostate condition. I would have been happy to refer him to a local urologist.

Please note: Prostate massage is contraindicated in cases of acute bacterial prostatitis or prostate cancer as it can spread infection and abnormal cells!

Comments

[Anthony V. Toscano]

Dearest Friend E.,

I am so sorry that this whisperer invades your intelligent ears, but I must tell you that your wit and sense of vengeance lies healthy and in wait for an appropriate response. Viagra-enhanced? Well, I suppose so. Chemically-enlivened wolves are today in fashion, even in the most rural of "communities." Sorta like hormonal cucumbers.

Love your pink hat,

AVT

[Annie Oakley]

Woohoo! I'm right with ya, girl!

[Fran]

Wow, El, I've never heard you wax eloquent when you were this pissed off. Way to go, girl. I'm grinning from ear to ear and wondering if there are more perverts per square inch these days than there used to be--or if its our alienating, out there culture that has brought these whackers out of the closet.

[Anne]

Ellie
I love it when you get angry and wax eloquent. I love massages. When I pulled a hamstring, my physical therapist prescribed massages to improve circulation and healing. I needed someone who could help the darn thing get better. A good therapist with training is worth their weight in gold.
You go girl! How I wish you weren't so far away.

[ellie]

Thanks for your comments, Fran, Anne, Annie and Anthony.

Rading back over this I note that it sounds more vitriolic than the tongue-in-cheek sarcasm I meant to produce when writing it. In fact, I sent a copy to the weekly paper who ran my ads and ended up causing quite a stir over there. As a pretty non-aggressive urban hippie, I was surpised to find the knife in my "tongue." However, as a writer I was happy to get such a strong reaction from them. ;-)

I wish we'd just legalize prostitution so these wankers would stop calling me. I don't believe in the exploitation of women, but I do believe in personal freedom so if a woman chooses that profession (though many don't realize they have other choices) then let's clean it up and take it out of our Puritanical closets for crying out load.

[Will]

Hilarious. I wish I were more of an editor for my magazine so I could hire you just to ramble. I love your tightly jointed anger.

[Bill]

you are a riot Ellie!

[ellie]

I updated this post to address prostate massage.

[Lisa Roberts]

I loved reading your blog. ROFLMAO...

No really I sometimes wonder when men will get a clue about this. I have clients that go to Europe a lot and they say that massage therapist over there do not use draping. Several of the people I do happen to believe and they never push me to not use draping.

I get so burnt out with the continual request from men for some type of sexual contact while doing massage. I just don't advertise anymore.

I think prostitution should be made legal too.

I also think it is very sad to think that there might be women and men out there that are licensed and nationally certified massage therapist allowing men to coax them into sexual situations.

Times are tough there are a lot of other massage therapist out there but, nobody has to lower their standards to pay the bills.

People need massage we can hold on to our ethics and give a great massage.

I wonder how these men can be healed? They have personal boundary issues. I have tried to be understanding of this but, it always boils down to me ending the cession....